Delusional, Psychotic: title is G rated :Addicts
by Soujirou-san
Summary: Well, since the title and summary have to be G rated, you'll have to go inside for the summary and real title. Sorry. Sigh. But it is funny...I hope.
1. Chapter One: So begins the Madness

Summary:

Before you continue reading, if you have any problem, any problem at all, with homosexuality, club drugs (or any kind of drug), vulgar language, and linear equations, **stop reading now.** You've been warned.

Basically, what if (that's a mighty big 'if', mind you)** Seto Kaiba**, **Ryou Bakura**, and a **strange other I have throw in to be a drug dealer** were all _DELUSIONAL, PSYCHOTIC DRUG ADDICTS_? Hmmm. Makes you think. Work those brain cells! Erm, anyway, let's just pretend that's what's happening. Yes. In my world, **everyone** is a drug addict. Even you.

The first few chapters (I'm thinking possibly to chapter three) will bring you up to speed. Then the story will progress from there. Lol. BTW:A br> will mark when the story has a break in it...since I can't do that either...And I'm sorry about the big space when they talk...my tab key is broken. Heh.

**Delusional, Psychotic Drug Addicts  
**Chapter One: So begins the Madness

It was a typical day at Domino City Public Park. The birds were chirping, the bees were buzzing, Seto Kaiba was doing a **line of heroin off a bench**.

Back up.

_What!_

Let's think._ WHO _was doing a line off a bench? (offstage person) Seto Kaiba (/offstage person)

Right, well, let's ignore him for a while, as he cackles maniacally and jumps for joy, and skip to a far more familiar scene. One with Yugi Moto, Tea Gardener, Joey Wheeler, Ryou Bakura, and Tristan Taylor, sitting on the edge of a fountain.

"So, how have things been lately?" Joey asked, turning to his pale friend. Ryou shrugged.

"Ah, a bit crazy, to be sure," He said to the blond. "Kaiba stole all my drugs, that crazy, crazy boy, and did a whole lot more yester—"

"Hold **on**!" Tea said, putting a hand on Ryou's chest. "You had your _drugs _stolen by _Seto Kaiba_!" Yugi, Tristan, and Joey all turned to him in disbelief.

"Well," Ryou blushed and smiled sheepishly, "its quite a **long** story and...oh..." He put his hands on his hips, pursed his lips, and sighed, slumping down. "Yes, quite a long story..." Yugi and crew gawked.

"Bakura," The short boy said in mild amusement, "no story is too long for us. Tell us what's going on with your...drugs and Kaiba."

"Okay," Ryou nodded. "I'll tell you. But be warned, it gets rather confusing." He took a deep breath. "Oh, if you have any questions when I'm talking, just ask me and I'll answer. Alright." With another deep breath, the twisted tale began...

* * *

It started off as a pretty normal day for pretty normal me. Save three things. One, I running a bit early for school. Two, I hadn't eaten that morning. And three, I was** half dressed **and being** hauled** down the street. 

"We **just have to** get there on time!" A someone screamed in my ear. "We have to or I'll **die**! And you wouldn't want _that_, would you?" The someone didn't even wait for a response as they dragged me down the sidewalk.

"Excuse me," I said in a very mild tone of voice. "I'm a bit...well, HALF NAKED. Do you mind waiting for me to get dressed a bit more?" All I had managed to do before I was kidnaped from my room was to pull on a pair of socks, my underwear and a shirt, and to grab my pants and shoes. I looked like a white haired, brown eyed, Asian Tom Cruise!

"Yes, well, its not _my_ fault that you weren't ready when I stole you."

What a nice thing to say as defense for your actions.

So there I stood, in the middle of rush-hour, downtown traffic, pulling on my pants and shoes, and fixing my hair. I'll tell you now, I've never had so many weird stares in two minutes.

Anyway, we kept on walking and, because I hadn't before, I noticed that it was Rei next to me.

* * *

"Rei?" Tea asked, interrupting the story. "Rei. From school? The Rei that we have math with?" 

"Yep, that Rei," Ryou nodded. Yugi, Joey, Tristan, and Tea just stared. "Anyway..."

* * *

So, there we were, in the middle of downtown. A crazy, psycho bitch and a possessed British kid. Yep. Mm-hm. So, we started off for school, waving to cars as they went by.  
Finally, when we did get there, no one was in the building except teachers, janitors, and a few early-bird kids 

"Now, its time for us to find** him**."

The way she said it sent shivers down my spine. I shuddered.

"What the FUCK was that about?" She asked coolly, beating me on the head. I 'cried' silently.

"Nothing."

"Good. Now keep it that way, dammit."

"But...why do you need _me_?"

"Witness purposes."

"Ah."

You would have thought I'd ask 'why me', but no. We walked around the school until we ran into Kaiba. And that, my children, is just the beginning of our twisted, sick, little story.

* * *

Ryou looked up at his friends shocked faces. 

"So let me get this straight," Joey asked. "You were kidnaped by Rei from math class and hauled **half-dressed** down the street to school. To find Kaiba. Yesterday." Ryou shook his head.

"No, not _yesterday_, Joey, last _Thursday_." He said, smiling.

"**I **don't believe it," Tristan piped up. "It sounds like a load of bull." Tea gonked him.

"If that's what Bakura says happened, then that's what happened," Yugi muttered, not really believing it himself.

"Anyway, on with the show!" Ryou said, pumping his fists in the air.

* * *

Rei made it perfectly clear she was out to _kill_ when she threw that chem book at Kaiba's head. It must have missed his head by two inches. 

"What the-" Was all he managed before she pummeled him.

"YOU COCK-SUCKING BASTARD!" She screamed, hitting him. "YOU OWE ME **300 dollars** FOR ALL THAT **HEROIN** YOU TOOK **MONDAY**!"

Quick math:

Problem: If Kaiba spent 300 dollars worth in heroin, and it costs 10 a bag, how many bags did he buy? Let b equal the number of bags

Equation: 300 equals 10 x b

300/10 equals10 x b/10

30 b

From this we can determine that Kaiba bought...30 FUCKIN' BAGS OF HEROIN! WHO THE **HELL** DOES 30 BAGS OF HEROIN IN A FOUR DAY PERIOD!

Erm, anyway...

So, there I stood, watching in disbelief, as my friend tried to dismember my best friend–

* * *

"Okay, hold on," Yugi said. "Friend. Rei, right? Best friend. KAIBA?" Ryou nodded. 

"Oh, yeah." He said. "We've been friends since...oh, middle school. We went to prep school together. Real fun. Anyway, can I continue?" Nods from all around.

* * *

Anyway, there I stood, watching in disbelief, as my friend tried to dismember my best friend over charges that he owed her 300 dollars. 

"Honey, as much as I took the heroin," Kaiba said, brushing off her blows, "I paid you back. I mean, why _wouldn't_ I? I'm a multi-billionaire. Three hundred is nothing." She glared at him.

"Kaiba, you **filthy**, _lying_, **stuck-up**, little BASTARD!" She broke free from him. "You most certainly did **not** pay me back. I keep tabs on all the drugs I sell. If someone takes my drugs, and doesn't have the money to pay me **right then**, I put their name next to the sale. And then, and only then, if they pay me back, I take their name off. You, sir, still have your name next to your sale, which means that _I didn't get paid 300 dollars for heroin_." She pulled a ledger out of her book-bag, opened it to the right page, and shoved it under his nose, pointing.

"Do you always bring your drug records to school?"

Rei and I both stared at him.

"Is it just me or is he stupid?" Rei asked, pointing at him. I shook my head.

"He's stupid."

"Look, Kaiba, the point is that you didn't pay me back for taking 300 dollars worth of heroin."

"Yeah, but I remember giving 300 dollars to my secretary to give to you and-" Kaiba stopped. Rei stopped. I stopped.

"That lying **_BITCH_**!" Kaiba screamed, standing up and knocking the desk over while doing so. "_She said she gave the 300 dollars to you_! But **you** didn't get it, which means that **she's** got the 300!" He huffed and stomped and swore, and put his hands on his hips in the way that all faggots do when something doesn't go their way.

"Well, then..." Rei blinked a few times. "That clears this whole mess up." She reached for her ledger.

"Maybe we should go ask her?" I said meekly. "To see if she really did take the money or if she forgot to give it to Rei?"

They looked at me.

"Brilliant idea."

"Why didn't I think of that?"

* * *

"Okay," Joey said, putting his hands up in a way that said he understood, "This story makes NO SENSE." Tristan nodded. 

"Yeah, its _almost_ as confusing as why Duke would even _dare_ like Serenity." He said. Joey raised a hand to smack him, which Tea grabbed.

"Look, guys, it might _not_ make sense, but a lot of the stuff **we** do doesn't make sense either, so let it go." She said. Yugi nodded. Ryou smiled.

"Thanks, Tea." He ran a hand through the water. "But I'm not done."

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE: 

Okay, hi. I'm the author. Yep. Erm, yeah. Well, so you know, I DO know all the Japanese names, I just don't feel like typing them. I'm _that _lazy. And if you were offended by any of the content in my story, well, that's **YOUR** fault. I warned you! Read the summary if you don't believe me!

Okay, I need comments, people! Criticism, no matter how negative it seems, is _still constructive_. It tells me what I suck at and what I don't suck at! So, come one, come all, and **submit a review**!

Did you know that the first chapter took **4 ½ pages **(including the summary/author's note) on WordPerfect 10? That's why it's a bit long. Sorry! Heh.


	2. Chapter Two: And then

Summary:

Okay, if you can't remember what happened, skim through the first chapter real quick

Before you continue reading, if you have any problem, any problem at all, with homo/heterosexuality, club drugs (or any kind of drug), vulgar language, and linear equations, **stop reading now.** You've been warned.

. BTW: I can't get my tab button to work, so...AND I GOT THE LINE BUTTON TO FINALLY WORK! LOOK!

* * *

Reviews:  
No, I'm not a drug addict. Yes, you do get more high shooting heroin that snorting it up your schonzz, but the only reason I have him sniffing it...well, it plays out in the end.

* * *

**Delusional, Psychotic Drug Addicts  
**Chapter Two: And Then...

Ryou smiled as his friends tried to comprehend the fascinating tale he had just told them.

"So..." Tea started to say something, stopped, sighed, and closed her eyes. "So...there's _more_ to this story?"

"Why **not**?" He responded. "I mean, I can't **possibly** be done if I stopped telling you what happened, can I?" They shook their heads.

"Okay, so keep going," Joey mumbled. "Its _kind_ of interesting..."

* * *

Right, so, where was I? Oh, yeah. So, we stood there in a complete stupor for a few minutes.

"Are we going?" I asked, shrugging a bit.

"I guess. Yeah. For the drugs and _only_ the drugs." Kaiba stretched and started off. I followed. Rei picked up her ledger, put it back in her bag, and followed.

So, we **ditched school**, which was all _fine and dandy_, and started towards Kaiba Corp.

The receptionist looked up as we walked in.

"Hello, Mr.Kaiba," She said, in a casual tone. "Do you need anything today?" He shook his head.

"And hellooooo! to you," He said, leaning on the desk to FLIRT with her. "Ish meh secretary in?" She nodded.

"Yes, she's just finishing some paper work for you."

"Good. Okay..." Kaiba slapped a hand on the desk. "Well, I'll see you later." He started towards the elevator. Rei and I waved at the receptionist and followed him.

"Is _everyone_ who works for you** hot**?" I asked, eye balling a total babe in a lab coat as she walked by.

"Yep, everyone is hot," He smiled and nodded, and pushed** all the buttons **on the elevator. Rei smacked him upside the head. "Everyone _except _Eric. He's not hot. Nope."

"You have a thirteenth floor." I said, pointing, and wondering who the fuck Eric was.

"Its where my office is."

"Oh."

So we traveled to the thirteenth floor in silence. Once the doors opened, Kaiba hopped out and _ran around the hallway like a friggin' maniac_. I mean, the guy went crazy. He jumped on his secretary's desk and did the **Chicken Dance**, and then the** Macarena**, and then he _spit out a window on some fat chick._

All we could do was stare.

And then...

"KASIE!" Kaiba yelled two inches form his secretary's face.

"Y-y-yes, Mr.Kaiba?" She was a cute, petite blond, with big green eyes and a rack to DIE FOR, and if her looks didn't do it, her soft, sexy voice gave me a boner. "W-what is it, s-sir?" She leaned away from him.

"You know..." Rei leaned over and whispered in my ear, "...from the looks of her, I think he's molested and or raped her." We both lapsed into a fit of silent giggles. Kaiba glared at us.

"Kasie, on Monday I gave you a 300 dollar check, right?" He sat on the desk and loomed over her.

"Yes, sir," She cringed in fear as he lifted her up onto his lap.

"It was for Rei, right?" He traced a finger down her face.

Rei and I sweatdropped.

"Yes, sir, it was." She pulled back.

"Well, Rei never got the check, Kasie, and you were the last person I left it with." Kaiba undid two of her blouse's buttons, revealing the cleavage for a possible D cup. Not that I looked...SHUT UP.

I sweatdropped again and...is that a puddle of sweat around our feet, Rei?

"Well, I don't know why she doesn't have it, Mr.Kaiba, sir." Kasie pulled herself away. "I sent it straight to her."

He smiled craftily and set her down on the desk. "Oh, well...well, first, leave your shirt like that. And second off-" He turned to Rei. "–have you checked your mail _at all_ this week?"

I couldn't hold it in. I burst out laughing and glanced at Rei. She thought.

"No, why?"

"Kasie, you mailed it to her?"

Nod.

"Rei, go home. Check your mail. Okay?" Kaiba gently nudged her towards the elevator. She nodded.

"Yeah, check my mail. Right." Rei pushed a button and waved. "Godspeed, Ryou. I daresay you need it." And the doors closed before I could ask why.

So, I freaked out and backed away from Kaiba, who was advancing on me like a psychotic tiger.

"COME ON, RYOU, LET'S DO DRUGS!" He grabbed me, the secretary, threw open the office door, and barricaded us inside. Kasie and I backed away in pure terror.

* * *

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

This chapter sucks. I know, I'm sorry. And its shorter than the first. I have writer's block, But I have to keep the story going somehow! And the next chapter will be just...what happened in the events leading up to the Saturday when Ryou was telling his story to Yugi and them...okay, well, leave comments! NOW! DO IT OR PERISH!


End file.
